Archive for Personal Boundaries
Your Boundary is Your Invisible Self-Monitoring Tool
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There are a variety of tools available to keep you on track such as budgets, time management, journals and vision boards. And, like the other tools you avail yourself of to stay on track and reach your goals, you can also use your invisible self-monitoring tool to create strong boundaries that protect you from time stealers, energy drainers and negativity.
I’m sure you wouldn’t allow guests in your home to trample on your furniture, paint on your walls or deface your property in some other way.
Yet, many times, we unwittingly invite people to disrespect our boundaries by leaving a trail of negativity in their wake.
For example:
- The “friend” who does not listen to you or value your opinions
- People who infringe on your time without respect for your time limits
- Anyone who frequently refuses to accept “no” as your final answer
- Erratic behavior aimed directly at you
- Holding on to relationships and behaviors you find intolerable or offensive
Think of your boundaries as the invisible shield that protects you from negativity and harmful behaviors.
Your boundary is your invisible self-monitoring tool. Here are a few ways to use it:
- Don’t hold on to commitments, relationships or behaviors that no longer serve a useful purpose. Understand when it’s time to let go of things that no longer serve you. Your precious time could be better spent pursuing activities that bring you joy and enrich your life.
- Be willing to let go of the things in your life that don’t honor your boundaries. You may recognize that it’s time to let go but maybe you are not quite willing to let go. You never know what doors will open with just the right opportunity when you have made space for it.
- Exercise your right to make a choice about how, when and what you spend your time doing. If you don’t value your time, no one else will either. Making the choice to set limits on your time, energy and resources creates strong time boundaries and space so that you can engage in the things that are really important to you.
- Accept change. Change is inevitable…nothing stays the same. Change is a vehicle for growth and an opportunity to experience something new and exciting. If nothing else, change the way you look at things. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change – Wayne Dyer
When someone violates your boundaries by devaluing your opinions, choices and ideas, it’s up to you to say a resounding NO and take charge of how you want to live your life.
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Certified Life Coach, Family therapist and Group Coaching Specialist, Gladys M. Anderson, helps nurses, teachers, social workers, therapists and other care-giving women to set limits so they have more time, more joy and more energy for self-care.
Stop the Energy Drainers that are Painting You into a Corner
Posted by: | CommentsWhen your energy level feels like you have been in a maze with no visible means of escape and you find yourself making needless mistakes, forgetting to put the trash out, where you put keys, or missing an important appointment, it’s time to stop the energy drainers in their tracks.
Feeling constantly exhausted, confused, distracted and just plain out of sorts is a formula for burnout and leads to worry, fear and despair. Yet, every day, many women experience this feeling with no relief in sight.
According to a study done by the American College of Physicians, in the United States, 24% of the general adult population has had fatigue lasting 2 weeks or longer; 59%-64% of these persons report that their fatigue has no medical cause.
I suspect these numbers would be a lot higher if this study focused on the percentage of adult women who experience unrecognized chronic fatigue.
Let’s take a look at some of the known energy drainers and what you can do about them:
- Rushing – When you move at lightening speed trying to do and give more and more of your energy, you are prone to make mistakes. Rushing simply wastes bucket loads of energy unnecessarily. When you rush, you forget things, skip meals, and are more likely to be distracted and ultimately even more rushed. Slow down, take a few deep breaths and reassess the situation. It will be there when you return more focused and able to move at a slower pace.
- Lack of a system – You don’t have to store every detail, appointment, or to-do-list item in your memory bank. A simple time management system will help you to stay on track and nudge you to recall the things you need to do. You can easily become frustrated trying to recall the items you need from the grocery store, the kids schedules and your commitments. Without an easy to use system, you’re chipping away at the mental energy you could use elsewhere to create a greater impact on your life. Use an electronic calendar on your cell phone, other device or a paper scheduler to stay on top of things.
- Meeting everyone’s needs before your own. It takes a lot of energy to take care of your loved ones and while taking care of loved ones provides a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment, it also requires valuable energy. In worse cases, it can even breed resentment – another huge source of energy drain. Carve out some “me time” and learn that taking care of YOU is your highest priority if you want to continue giving lovingly to others.
- Painting yourself into a corner. Making promises you are unable to keep, taking on that extra assignment at work and holding down a part time job may feel like you have no way out and are painting yourself into a corner. You do have a choice. Make only promises and commitments you are able to keep and always have an exit strategy if needed.
- People Pleasing – Always ready to lend a hand? Great! But, when your overzealousness to please overrides your overall sense of value, worth, goodness and deservedness, then it crosses over into people pleasing. There’s nothing wrong with helping other people, but it’s another thing when your helping is done out of a sense of obligation, guilt or “have to”. Learn to say no to the things that cause you stress or discomfort. You will be relieved from the weight of over-scheduling, guilt, and irritation. Use your power of choice to free up your time and energy to do things that are joyful, fun and add meaning to your life.
And, in the meantime, if you are serious about setting strong boundaries, clearing more time in your busy schedule for self-care and want to live a harmonious life then I invite you get my FREE Special Report, Building Strong Boundaries to Give You More Breathing Space in Your Hectic Life
You can also connect with me on these social media sites as well:
Twitter: http://twitter.com/GladysAnderson
Face Book: http://www.facebook.com/Coachforyourdreams
FriendFeed: http://friendfeed.com/gladysanderson
Until next time…
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Gladys Anderson, founder of Coach for YOUR Dreams, is a certified life coach, licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and speaker. Gladys combines years of experience, training and a genuine commitment to helping nurses, teachers, therapists and other care giving women to set limits so they have more time, and energy to devote to self-care
How to Maintain Self-Care and Keep an Emotional Healthy Outlook
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From time to time, most of us get over-shadowed by a less than healthy emotional outlook. Yet, that does not mean we have to dwell in it or accept it as our reality. When your emotional outlook is cloudy, it’s important to allow the sun to shine through by taking some well-deserved time for self-care.
Many women today lead lives punctuated with to-do-lists, decision-making, family obligations, social and community activities, chauffeuring, appointments and a host of other to-do’s.
Yet, while all this “busy-ness” may give you a sense of accomplishment, purpose, validation and acceptance, it comes with a high price. The price you pay is in lack of consistent self-care and that takes a serious toll on your emotional and physical health.
Oprah once said, “I don’t have a weight problem – I have a self-care problem that manifests through weight”.
Because Oprah is another very busy woman who neglected to take time for herself, she fell prey to heart palpitations, a thyroid condition and weight gain and emotional drain.
Here are some clear indications that you may have an unhealthy emotional outlook and what you can do about it:
Worrying over things outside of your control – When you worry you are trying to prevent those nasty little surprises that catch you off guard. Or another way of putting it is, you’re trying to control the outcome of something or someone else. Whenever those irritating thoughts pop up, write yourself a “worry list”. From your list, pick one worry and devote 10-15 minutes to it. Once the time is up, immediately engage in another activity that will keep your mind occupied. Doing this puts you in control and minimizes the amount of time you spend worrying.
Putting your needs on the back burner – Giving up your precious time and energy to worry, predicting, and project leaves you little time to exercise, relax and refresh both your physical and mental health. This often leads to physical ailments, burnout, irritability and an inability to take care of you and the people you care about. Make sure you schedule some time to rejuvenate and relax so that you have the energy to take care good care of YOU while taking care of the other people in your life
Build Resiliency – Resiliency is the ability to bounce back from adverse circumstances. For example, this is what Michael J. Fox said about having Parkinson’s disease, “If I let it affect me, it’s gonna own everything. I don’t deny it or pretend it’s not there, but I don’t allow it to be bigger than it is. I can’t always control my body and I can’t control whether or not I feel good…but I can control how clear my mind is and I can control how willing I am to step up if somebody needs me.” Having in place the emotional stamina to withstand life’s setbacks, not only builds resiliency, but keeps you out of the role of victim, and also helps you to control the things within your power to control”.
Whatever thoughts or beliefs you hold, your mind will believe it because your brain only responds to your subconscious voice.
So when the clouds of “busy-ness” threaten to color your life, remember that the answer is self-care!
And, in the meantime, if you are serious about setting strong boundaries, clearing more time in your busy schedule for self-care and want to live a harmonious life then I invite you get my FREE Special Report, Building Strong Boundaries to Give You More Breathing Space in Your Hectic Life
Until next time…
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Gladys Anderson, founder of Coach for YOUR Dreams, is a certified life coach, licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and speaker. Gladys combines years of experience, training and a genuine commitment to helping nurses, teachers, therapists and other care giving women to set limits so they have more time, and energy to devote to self-care.
How To Lovingly Separate From Negative Influences
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I recently asked a client how he could lovingly separate from a situation filled with conframa [confusion and drama] that was sucking up every ounce of energy he had. He replied, …”I don’t know how I can lovingly separate … ”.
My client expressed exactly what a lot of people think about when they hear the word separate. It does not mean physically abandoning a friendship, marriage or other situations that zap your energy.
On occasion, we all encounter angry, obstinate, whining people who complain, gossip, criticize, zap our energy and leave us feeling drained.
Lovingly separating from negative people and influences is a way to release your emotional connection to the drama, confusion, pessimism, and other unacceptable behaviors. Distancing yourself from negative people is about demonstrating that you have clear emotional boundaries around what is acceptable to you and what’s not.
Al-Anon, a support group for families, friends and teens who are dealing with the effects of a loved ones drinking, teaches to set clear emotional boundaries and make rational decisions about what course of action needs to be taken. This is a great blueprint for setting strong boundaries and making choices.
If, like my client, you wonder how to lovingly separate from negative influences, then here are a few suggestions:
- Avoid arguing with a contrary, pessimistic people. They are looking for attention the only way they know how and it’s a way to get their emotional needs met. Arguing with them only feeds the fire of attention seeking behaviors. State clearly your position and move on.
- Curb the amount of time you spend with disruptive influences. Set strong time boundaries around who you spend time with and how much time you allow them to impact your life.
- Limit how much energy you allow to be zapped from your energy pool, leaving you drained with not enough strength to take care of YOU. Be prudent in how you manage your energy resources. Don’t try to change a negative person’s attitude or behavior.
- Realize that their behavior is brought about by a need to be accepted, loved and cared for. You can’t coax, manipulate or direct anyone else’s attitude or frame of mind. Try reframing their statements to take on a more positive spin or steer the conversation toward something more positive.
- Maintain strong boundaries around your time, space and energy. These are precious resources and they ought to be protected like any other prized possession.
Refuse to participate in someone else’s drama or negative attitude. Unless you’re an actor, drama has no place in your life.
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Gladys Anderson, founder of Coach for YOUR Dreams, is a certified life coach, licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and speaker. Gladys combines years of experience, training and a genuine commitment to helping nurses, teachers, therapists and other care giving women to set limits so they have more time, and energy to devote to self-care.
Look Within to Find Your Way Home
Posted by: | CommentsDo you recall the characters from the Wizard of Oz?
They all thought something was missing from their lives and they just had to find the missing piece …
- Dorothy dreamed of finding her way home to Kansas
- The Tin Man thought he would be happy if he only had a heart
- The Scarecrow believed he would be happy when he had a brain
- The Cowardly lion thought he would find happiness with some courage
Just as a lot of us do, they all were looking for answers outside of themselves. And is most often the case, all we need is already is within our reach.
The characters in the Wizard of Oz thought they didn’t have what they needed to be happy.
In case you need a gentle reminder from your friendly wizard about what it takes to get unstuck, joyful, courageous, and confident, here are a few things to think about:
- When you can’t find your true self and feel lost, clear your mind of limiting thoughts. Open yourself us to the answers that are deep within you. The more open you are to receiving the answers, the more of your authentic self will be uncovered. Sometimes you may need the help of a wise wizard to get you on your way.
- Fear is a limiting emotion when it keeps you stuck thinking the same negative thoughts about what you can or cannot do. Start with baby steps until you are comfortable taking larger steps that will get the results you want.
- Live your dream. You dream is uniquely yours. No one can take away your dream or live it. If you know deep inside there is something you want to do, you may need the support of a coach or trusted friend to help you sort out all the pieces.
- Think positive, affirming thoughts to ward off negativity and doubt about what you are capable of doing.
Remember, the only thing that kept Dorothy, the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion and the Scarecrow from getting what they wanted was their own thoughts. Change how you think and the solutions you desire will be evident.
What thoughts are holding you back from finding your way home?
Share your thoughts, observations, and comments…I would love to hear from you.
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Gladys Anderson, founder of Coach for YOUR Dreams, is a certified life coach, licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and speaker. Gladys combines years of experience, training and a genuine commitment to helping nurses, therapists, teachers and other caregivers balance the many demands on their time and energy, create boundaries that shift balance from overwhelm to energized, and live their lives with courage, confidence and clarity.
3 Tips to Set Strong Boundaries
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Your boundary is the invisible shield you put up to protect the many demands placed on your time, energy, and resources.
Visualize your boundary as a shield that protects you from energy drainers, time takers and resource stealers. Protect your boundaries by learning to say NO.
Begin setting strong boundaries by using these 3 tips:
Practice – Practice saying NO. You always have the power to say NO to any request just as others have the power to say NO to your requests. When you say NO to a request for money, time, gifts or commitments, you are in essence asserting your power and authenticity. You get to set your own boundaries. You take charge of your time, energy and resources. If you are in the habit of saying YES when you would rather say NO, it may not be easy for you to begin saying NO. But by practicing saying NO you’ll find that you’re relieved from over-commitment, guilt, and frustration and free up time for you to engage in the activities that are meaningful to you. Saying no to things you would rather not do is like giving yourself a high five!
Prioritize – Take charge of your time – when you are asked to run the PTA bake sale and you are already organizing the class reunion, tutoring, and going to school at night, saying NO to those things that will tax your energy, time and resources will give you the freedom to make choices based on what’s most important to you. You might say something like, “Thanks for thinking of me but I have another commitment” or “I won’t be able to do “that” this time.
Taking control of how you spend your time is essential to setting strong boundaries.
Patience – Old habits die hard, especially when you have been mired in the same old pattern for years. Be gentle with yourself and allow for setbacks but keep in mind you’re in charge. Change will be difficult for the people around you too. They want you to keep doing, giving and saying yes. This is how they get their needs met. Look at the changes you are making as if it were a dance: Women are used to following in a dance, right. Just picture yourself as the leader; you’re leading the way to healthy boundary making. So when you change your step in the dance, the other person must change theirs – either they follow your lead or they don’t, but you’re still in charge. So, why not take the lead and show others the way?
And, to stay connected and get more free tips, I would like to invite you to sign up for your copy of Building Strong Boundaries to Create More Breathing Space in Your Hectic Life
Until Next time…
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Gladys Anderson, founder of Coach for YOUR Dreams, is a certified life coach, licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and speaker. Gladys combines years of experience, training and a genuine commitment to helping nurses, therapists, teachers and other caregivers balance the many demands on their time and energy, create boundaries that shift balance from overwhelm to energized, and live their lives with courage, confidence and clarity.
How To Throw Light On Fears That Keep You In The Dark
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Are you feeling like you are scrambling around lost in a dark tunnel without a flashlight to guide you? Fear can make you feel that way.
Don’t beat yourself up. There are a lot of women who experience that same feeling while doing and giving even more to our families, careers, and community responsibilities that we often feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of things we have on our plates.
I’ve felt that way myself from time to time while I was trying to juggle a gazillion hats, taking care of everybody but me and living a life of overwhelm, confusion and anxiety.
The same kind of fear you feel when you find yourself in an unfamiliar dark place with no way to see your way out is the kind of fear that a lot of women experience every day. It’s the kind of fear that puts limits how you live your life, keeps you stuck in roles you didn’t create and hinders you from living a life of freedom and joy.
We all have moments of fear but when it immobilizes you and keeps you from living your best life, that’s when it’s time to shed some light on fear and expose it for what it really is.
So how do you do that?
- First, you must understand the difference between healthy fear that keeps you safe and unhealthful fear that keeps mired in overwhelm, worry and uncertainty. Fear is a False Expectation Appearing Real [without any proof]. Take a close look at the belief you hold that is powering the fear. For example, if your comfort zone doesn’t allow you to risk taking on a new challenge or pursuing an opportunity that you know you want, maybe you’ve received a negative message early in your life that you’ve translated into a strong negative belief about yourself and/or your abilities
- Secondly, know without a doubt that fear has no power except that which you give it. Look fear straight in the eye and say, “you can no longer control me and keep me hostage”. Take back your power with a vengeance.
- And, last, but not least, be able to recognize when unhealthful fear appears in your life. Consider the times when you didn’t speak up just so you would avoid conflict. Question your real motivation for not taking a desired action. Are you operating out of guilt, frustration or because of perceived expectations?
Once you are clear about what fears keep you stuck in intolerable situations and overwhelm, you’re in a position to write a new script for your life where you become the sole author, editor and producer of your new destiny.
Doesn’t that sound yummy…
To stay connected and get more tips, join us in the Self-Care Circle and receive your FREE copy of Building Strong Boundaries to Create More Breathing Space in Your Hectic Life
Until Next time…
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Gladys Anderson, founder of Coach for YOUR Dreams, is a certified life coach, licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and speaker. Gladys combines years of experience, training and a genuine commitment to helping nurses, teachers, therapists and other care giving women to set limits so they have more time, and energy to devote to self-care.
In Pursuit of Happiness
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Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony – Gandhi
Most people expend a great amount of time looking for happiness in all the wrong places . They chase dreams rather than live dreams. Their lives are stimulated only by addictions, religions, and even other people in a futile attempt to fill the void with purpose and meaning. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.
Happiness is a state of mind based on how worthy you feel. How you feel about yourself is a direct result of the accumulated experiences you have had, particular growing up. For instance, if you grew up being made to feel worthy, valued, loved, protected and respected, most likely you feel happier.
On the other hand, if your experiences led you to feeling unworthy, unloved and disrespected, you may be unhappy, have low self esteem, weak boundaries and lack confidence.
Your internal critic (the negative messages received and embedded in your subconscious) may attempt to sabotage your happiness quotient which will in turn affect your level of self-confidence and self-esteem.
Self confidence is the realistic and positive expectations you have for yourself, your abilities and others. Self confident people exude a sense of control in their lives.
Self esteem is what you think of yourself. If you think you are insignificant, unworthy, devalued, that is the perception you will also present to the world. How you allow yourself to be treated and the way you show up to the world has the greatest impact on your self esteem. No one can make you a doormat unless you willingly lie down.
Fear is another negative influence that dictates how you feel, think and interact in your relationships with others. Each time, you don’t speak up for what you deserve, want and need, you allow fear to rule. Fear is an emotion and one that you have complete control over. Your choices are to let fear rule or you rule fear. Fear is the biggest obstacle to growth and change.
Procrastinating and putting off needed actions you believe you must take, is acknowledging that you really don’t have the necessary confidence to carry them out.
Your happiness depends on the expectations and mindset you have about happiness.
To quote the actress, Betty Davis – “You will never be happier than you expect. To change your happiness, change your expectation.”
Here are some tips to get your happy dance on…
- Maintain a sense of humor; everything is not a matter of life or death. Try to find the humor in stressful situations.
- Lower your worry quotient. Worrying about things over which you have no control will overwhelm and deplete you. Concentrate on the things you have control over. Don’t sweat the small stuff. If you must worry, allow yourself 5 minutes to dwell on the situation and move on to something more productive.
- Be flexible. Things will not always go the way you want but if you are adaptable, you won’t raise your blood pressure by trying to have it your way. Allow for a change in plans.
- Schedule wisely. Don’t add more things into your day than you can reasonably handle. Over scheduling leads to frustration, anger and resentment. Avoid it. Set clear boundaries around your time.
- Happiness is a series of choices you make that determine how you react or respond to a given situation. Remember, no one but you can determine your happiness. Make wise choices based on the things that are important to you.
- Set realistic expectations for yourself and others. Make sure your expectations aren’t rooted in faulty beliefs based on negative experiences.
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
About the Author:
Gladys M. Anderson is a certified group coach, personal life coach and a licensed marriage & family therapist. Gladys helps nurses, therapists, teachers and other caregivers establish boundaries, build balance and create breathing space in their busy lives.
TIP: How to Build a Strong Emotional Boundary
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How does your outer world reflect your inner world?
Are you constantly misplacing your keys, spending time looking for things, never having enough time, surrounded by chaos and negativity?
When you outer world is disorganized, so is your inner world and it reflects a lack of focus and clarity.
TIP: Change the way you think about things. Replace negative, limiting, self-sabotaging thoughts with positive thoughts and affirmations. Immediately turn each negative or limiting thought into a positive statement before it has time to infiltrate your subconscious.
If you have enjoyed this tip, please submit your comments below and click the share button to share it with your friends.
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Gladys M. Anderson is a certified group coach, personal life coach and a licensed marriage & family therapist. Gladys helps nurses, therapists, teachers and other caregivers establish boundaries, build balance and create breathing space in their busy lives.
TIP: How to Create a Strong Financial Boundary
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A major stress for many people in these challenging economic times is money. How do you view money? Do you have an easy come easy go attitude, are you a thrifty spender or are you burdened with debt? Whatever your view of money is, the following tip may be helpful to get or keep your finances in order.
TIP: Spending more than one earns is a recipe for accumulating massive debt. Create a budget and stick to it. Track your spending for a month so that you know where your money is going. You may be surprised at how much you spend on coffee, snacks and non-essentials.
If you are in the habit of saving a portion of your income, congratulations and keep up the good work.
Eliminate credit cards – Create a short and long term plan to pay off outstanding credit cards. Not only will you be free from debt but you will also gain a new found sense of freedom.
About the Author:
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Gladys M. Anderson is a certified group coach, personal life coach and a licensed marriage & family therapist. Gladys helps nurses, therapists, teachers and other caregivers establish boundaries, build balance and create breathing space in their busy lives.