Archive for making choices
I’ve Never Been to ME
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When you think of a relationship do you think of the connection you have with your family, friends, money, co-workers and neighbors?
Of course you do.
But wait, don’t you also want to think about the loving healthy relationship you have with yourself? You do have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself, don’t you?
Or what about the relationship you have with money, your emotional well being, your integrity and your values?
One of my favorite songs is “I’ve Never Been to Me” by Nancy Wilson. In the song, she sings about meeting kings, queens and all the dreams she’s deferred but never been free to be herself. At least that’s my take on the song.
A lot of people have the trappings of what society tells us is a successful life. Take the case of Charlie Sheen, the TV star of the hit comedy, Two and a Half Men. You may recall the train wreck that caused him to fall from grace and self destruct. He had the huge salary, dream homes with luxurious furnishings, fancy cars, jewelry, and exotic vacations. But none of these accessories and outward signs of success equated to happiness and personal freedom.
Ultimately, you and only you are in charge of your happiness and success. All the money in the world does not insure you are living a successful, content and productive life.
If you feel coerced into doing something that you don’t personally approve of, you’re chipping away at your personal freedom.
When you lack the courage to ask questions and speak up for what’s right, you slice away at your integrity.
The freedom you’re looking for won’t come from engaging in reckless behavior or living a life of the rich and famous. The freedom you seek is the freedom to be real, uncovering the loving, brave and self-governed spirit that’s beneath all the outward signs of a happy and fulfilled life.
If you live an authentic life, you’ll never have to bemoan the song, “I’ve Never Been to Me”. If you do relate to the song, it means you’ve lost touch with your core self – the part of you that can’t easily be persuaded to follow the crowd – the part of you that has a core value system that can’t be compromised.
When you can stand up for what you believe without apology and do what’s right, even if you have to risk distancing yourself from family, friends and colleagues, you show up as the “real you”. Your beliefs, actions and values are in alignment and outer trappings of happiness and success do not sway you.
Keep in mind that the relationship you have with yourself is the most important relationship you’ll ever have.
How is the relationship you have with yourself?
To learn more and get your FREE audios of 7 Daily Self Care Tips, I invite you to join our Self Care Circle at http://coachforyourdreams.com.
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Certified Life Coach, Family therapist and Group Coaching Specialist, Gladys M. Anderson, helps nurses, teachers, social workers, therapists and other busy overwhelmed women to set limits so they have more time, more joy and more energy for self-care.
What Are You Running From?
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Some of us run to compete in marathons, some of us run fast to keep up with the latest gadgets and newest social phenomena. Others run fast to get away from a ferocious bull whose chief goal is to thrust his sharp horns into your back.
I recently came across an article about the dangerous, and for some, exhilarating sport of running with bulls. While some consider it a sport, animal rights activists call it cruel and dangerous. Still, bull runs attract thousands of participants and spectators every year.
Every year since the 13th century during the San Fermin Festival, in Palmona, Spain, thousands of veterans and tourists flock to the annual running of the bulls. Although, it seems to me the people running are trying their best to run away from the bulls – not with them.
You may be wondering what running from bulls has to do with your life.
Let me share my take on it what it means to run with bulls. Running from bulls is a metaphor for life – taking risks and not letting fear stand in the way of pursuing your dreams. It means that fear doesn’t stop you from taking the risk and you are willing to do what it takes to achieve your goal.
The folk who engage in this dangerous and life threatening “sport” take the risk because they have decided to do it despite fear, danger or limitations. You may not take on such dangerous pursuits as running from bulls but most of us run in other ways.
You may not be trying to stay ahead of a herd of bulls but you may be running from other things that hold your back from living your best life.
Here are some examples of the things you may be running away from:
- Successes in achieving what you say you want because you don’t have a workable plan in place to reach your goals. A powerful way to achieve your goals is through visualization or using a vision board as a daily reminder.
- Opportunities and experiences that could enhance your life by allowing fear, doubt and limiting beliefs to creep into your mindset. Be open to trying new things. Don’t let fear sabotage you from participating in things that will bring you closer to living with joy, harmony and purpose.
- Abundance by focusing on scarcity rather than showing gratitude for what you already have. Use your gratitude journal to list all the things you are grateful for.
- Change because you’re stuck in the same old patterns of behavior. If doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is a recipe you follow, it’s time to make some adjustments to the ingredients. Let go of unrealistic expectations of yourself and others.
- Happiness by letting fears that have you overwhelmed, stressed and regretful keeping you from living your authentic purpose.
Whether you’re planning to run a marathon, run from bulls or run just because you can, the above examples can help you become aware of what you may be running away from.
And, to assist you on your journey, I invite you to get my FREE special report, Building Strong Boundaries to Create Breathing Space in Your Hectic Life.
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Gladys Anderson helps nurses, teachers, social workers, therapists and other busy overwhelmed women to set limits so they have more time, more joy and more energy for self-care.
Your Boundary is Your Invisible Self-Monitoring Tool
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There are a variety of tools available to keep you on track such as budgets, time management, journals and vision boards. And, like the other tools you avail yourself of to stay on track and reach your goals, you can also use your invisible self-monitoring tool to create strong boundaries that protect you from time stealers, energy drainers and negativity.
I’m sure you wouldn’t allow guests in your home to trample on your furniture, paint on your walls or deface your property in some other way.
Yet, many times, we unwittingly invite people to disrespect our boundaries by leaving a trail of negativity in their wake.
For example:
- The “friend” who does not listen to you or value your opinions
- People who infringe on your time without respect for your time limits
- Anyone who frequently refuses to accept “no” as your final answer
- Erratic behavior aimed directly at you
- Holding on to relationships and behaviors you find intolerable or offensive
Think of your boundaries as the invisible shield that protects you from negativity and harmful behaviors.
Your boundary is your invisible self-monitoring tool. Here are a few ways to use it:
- Don’t hold on to commitments, relationships or behaviors that no longer serve a useful purpose. Understand when it’s time to let go of things that no longer serve you. Your precious time could be better spent pursuing activities that bring you joy and enrich your life.
- Be willing to let go of the things in your life that don’t honor your boundaries. You may recognize that it’s time to let go but maybe you are not quite willing to let go. You never know what doors will open with just the right opportunity when you have made space for it.
- Exercise your right to make a choice about how, when and what you spend your time doing. If you don’t value your time, no one else will either. Making the choice to set limits on your time, energy and resources creates strong time boundaries and space so that you can engage in the things that are really important to you.
- Accept change. Change is inevitable…nothing stays the same. Change is a vehicle for growth and an opportunity to experience something new and exciting. If nothing else, change the way you look at things. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change – Wayne Dyer
When someone violates your boundaries by devaluing your opinions, choices and ideas, it’s up to you to say a resounding NO and take charge of how you want to live your life.
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Certified Life Coach, Family therapist and Group Coaching Specialist, Gladys M. Anderson, helps nurses, teachers, social workers, therapists and other care-giving women to set limits so they have more time, more joy and more energy for self-care.
Risk Taking Can Be the Spark That Gets You Moving
Posted by: | CommentsWhen you think of risk, what comes to mind?
Do you have visions of Evil Knievel leaping across Snake River Canyon, someone engaged in hazardous, intense, and foolish actions or do you think of risk taking as an exhilarating, breathtaking and awe-inspiring experience?
Of course, risk can be all those things and more. But it’s really about having the courage to make a decision to experience life fully without fear and limitations. It can also mean that sometimes you just have to take advantage of that once in a lifetime opportunity without limiting yourself by fear.
I took that once in a lifetime opportunity when I signed up for the sea trek excursion while on a recent cruise.
If you’re not familiar with a sea trek, it’s an amazing helmet diving experience. Your guide outfits you in an alien-like contraption that covers your head and shoulders. Once the helmet is in place, you’re then outfitted with a breathing apparatus. The wonderful thing about a sea trek is that you don’t have to swim. And for someone like me who can barely float, taking a walk on the bottom of the sea sounds pretty foolish, doesn’t it. But I knew if I didn’t take this rare opportunity, I might not have another chance to play with some of the most colorful fish and coral imaginable, see firsthand long forgotten shipwrecks, cannons and a sunken Odyssey submarine up close and personal.
Was I afraid? Did I question my sanity? Did I think I might drown?
You bet!
But, I didn’t allow myself to dwell on the fear. Instead, I listened intently to our guide’s instructions, took several deep breaths, and refused to let fear and doubt keep me from an experience of a lifetime! And, I took the “plunge”!
Just as it took courage for me to don that alien looking equipment and go deep down to the bottom of the ocean, it also takes courage to make changes, enter a new relationship, learn to ride a bike, start a business or move to a new city. Even though fear may be present, you can still venture into uncharted waters with confidence and a strong belief that you will survive and thrive.
I’m sure I would forever regret it had I not taken the chance to go on that sea trek! Sure, I could have played it safe and stayed securely on land but I would have missed out on an exciting, fun and spectacular experience. And had I played it safe, I would have let fear rule and prevent me from taking another step forward. Because I faced fear head on, I’m now ready for my next adventure – a hot air balloon ride!
I like to think of taking a risk the same way you start a roaring fire — by igniting the first spark. You can continue thinking of risk as a dangerous, hazardous activity or you can embrace it as something that ignites you to get out from under a cloud of fear, doubt, regret and procrastination. It can lead you to a wealth of new memorable adventures or that ultimate once in a lifetime experience.
So, what will you do today to walk away from your self-limiting safety net and light the spark that moves you to inspired, courageous and exhilarating action?
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Certified Life Coach, Family Therapist, Group Coaching Specialist, Gladys Anderson, helps nurses, teachers, social workers, therapists and other care-giving women to set limits so they have more time, more joy and more energy to devote to self-care.
Put Multitasking on Hold
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Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I can put multitasking on hold mostly when I’m on a call and another is waiting or I glance at my computer screen and see I am working in several windows simultaneously.
Multitasking can easily become a big part of our lives especially now with the busy holiday season fast approaching. And, all of this multitasking starts to make me feel like I’m on an out of control roller coaster wishing someone would put on the brakes. Like most women, I find myself occasionally deep in the throes of multitasking and busyness. But, when I can slow down long enough to allow myself some breathing space, I realize that in addition to all the appointments, household chores, social commitments, and other demands on my time, I do have a choice.
Put multitasking on hold and avoid overwhelm by using these suggestions:
•Make a commitment to carve out self-care daily. Start small with something you enjoy and build on that. Take 5 or 10 minutes to quietly enjoy a soothing cup of tea. Tea is a natural relaxant and while sipping tea, you can begin to refocus. Maybe coffee, or another soothing drink may be for you. It doesn’t matter if you have something to drink or not. The important thing is to commit to carving out self-time on a daily basis.
•Let go of the guilt. Reduce the overwhelm. Hold others accountable for the things they are responsible for. Don’t stress over what others are doing or not doing. You have no control over others and their actions. Keep in mind that you can only be responsible for the things that you are responsible for.
•Prioritize – For the most part, women tend to prioritize according to the needs of others – not yourselves. To put your needs first is not a selfish act but rather a selfless one. For the same reason we are told to don our masks if there is an emergency on a flight, is the same reason you must nurture and take good care of yourself so that you are ready to take care of others in your lives with energy and willingness.
•Allow friends to support and encourage you. Most of you can easily and willingly grumble to friends about how busy you are and how little time you have for yourself. This is not support. You want to surround yourself with people who will offer suggestions, give of themselves if need be, encourage and uplift you.
Set clear boundaries around how many commitments you agree to, how you want to spend your time and energy and with whom you spend your time. Having strong boundaries means that you make responsible choices based on your ability to give, do and be – not choices made out of guilt or a desire to avoid conflict or please someone else.
•Make an appointment with YOU. When you are keeping track of all the other appointments and to do lists on your schedule, put in your planner or calendar an appointment for YOU. Use the time to refresh and re-energize so that you will have a power source from which to give to others.
And, to get other self-care tips, tools and resources to stay focused and motivated to attract more joy, more time and more energy in your life, start by getting your FREE copy of Building Strong Boundaries to Create More Breathing Space in Your Hectic Life
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Certified Life Coach, Family therapist and Group Coaching Specialist, Gladys M. Anderson, helps nurses, teachers, social workers, therapists and other care-giving women to set limits so they have more time, more joy and more energy for self-care.
Choose Your Words Carefully – Use Empowering Words
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Choose your words carefully and make your wishes known by using empowering words such as I choose to/not to or I will/won’t. Disempowering words like “I/you can’t, “I/you have to”, and “I/you should”, send the message that you easily give away your power or you’re attempting to disempower someone else with misguided expectations.
For example, every time I find myself saying “I should”, I ask myself am I responding to my wishes or someone else’s. This is the formula I use:
- Is it good for me?
- Is it good for them?
- Do I want to do it
If it’s not something you really want to do or you’re considering doing it because you want to please or you’re looking to get validation or acceptance, then you are responding to an unspoken expectation placed on you, your time, energy or resources. Peppering your sentences with “should” is placing the responsibility for what you want and feel outside of yourself.
It may be that you choose dis-empowering words because you tell yourself you’re shy, you think it’s “pushy” to assert yourself, you lack firm consistent boundaries or enough confidence to assert yourself.
If any of the above ring true, isn’t it time you stand up, speak out and free yourself of the constraints that hold you back from getting what you want?
Here are a few suggestions to begin:
- Choose to use empowering words – Use empowering words like “I choose to/I choose not to” instead of “I have to or I should”. When you use powerful words like these, you begin to act and feel powerful.
- Align your verbal expressions to match your values and demonstrate the self-worth and respect you have for yourself.
- Avoid negative self-talk and your speech won’t be peppered with doubts and limitations resulting in self- sabotaging behaviors.
- Clearly and powerfully express your desires - If you don’s powerfully speak up, ask for what you want, you leave the door open for others to speak for you and make decisions not in your best interest.
- Set clear and realistic expectations for yourself and others – You cannot predict what others think or do but you have complete control of your thoughts, actions and responses.
Choose your words carefully – use empowering words to express what you want, what you will do, and what you will accept. Set clear boundaries around how you spend your time and energy. If you’re not in the habit of using empowering words, it may be uncomfortable at first but with practice, you can master it.
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Certified Life Coach, Family therapist and Group Coaching Specialist, Gladys M. Anderson, helps nurses, teachers, social workers, therapists and other care-giving women to set limits so they have more time, more joy and more energy for self-care. Get my FREE special report: Building Strong Boundaries to Create More Breathing Space in Your Hectic Life and stay in touch with me by email for more self-care tips.
What Are You Tolerating Today That Could Free You to Live Authentically?
Posted by: | CommentsIn my work, I talk to many women who are convinced that their lot in life has been cast. Whatever circumstance they find themselves in, they have deluded themselves into believing that the situation can’t change for them and struggle to make sense of the choices they have made.
One woman in an intolerable relationship felt that she had made a commitment and no matter what, she would “stick it out”. Another woman I know decided long ago that her life was dictated by the circumstances of her upbringing and continued to relinquish her power to her family.
Commitment and a sense of responsibility is a wonderful attribute, however, when loyalty binds you to intolerable situations, it’s time to refocus.
I once heard someone say, “people will treat you the way you teach them to treat you”. You can’t be authentic and not recognize how the choices you make determine the outcomes. You can’t be authentic and not take responsibility for those choices. You must make a conscious choice, based on your true integrity, to decide whether or not you will live your lives based on your authenticity or fall prey to ways that others may dishonor who y are.
What are you tolerating/putting up with in your life now that if eliminated would give you more joy and freedom?
We all put up with something, sometime. The point is, if you really give some thought to what you are tolerating in your life today, it may surprise you to realize that what you’re tolerating has been disguised as commitment, obligation, responsibility, duty and other acceptable language.
How different would the quality of your life be, if you made that distinction, and took action to change it? Only you know what you are tolerating that is hindering you from living the life you want and deserve.
Somewhere, underneath the false sense of obligation, is an underlying fear – fear of being alone, fear of financial ruin, fear of rejection, fear of the unfamiliar and fear of change. When you allow fears, procrastination and lack of confidence in your abilities to collide with your authentic reality; you set yourself up for unnecessary discontent, worry, sadness, and disappointment.
To live joyful, creative, peaceful lives, you must make choices that are in alignment with your authenticity. You must delve deep underneath the negative voices inside your head and uncover those messages that erode your self confidence and knowledge of how unique and wonderful you really are.