Archive for boundary tips
How To Lovingly Separate From Negative Influences
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I recently asked a client how he could lovingly separate from a situation filled with conframa [confusion and drama] that was sucking up every ounce of energy he had. He replied, …”I don’t know how I can lovingly separate … ”.
My client expressed exactly what a lot of people think about when they hear the word separate. It does not mean physically abandoning a friendship, marriage or other situations that zap your energy.
On occasion, we all encounter angry, obstinate, whining people who complain, gossip, criticize, zap our energy and leave us feeling drained.
Lovingly separating from negative people and influences is a way to release your emotional connection to the drama, confusion, pessimism, and other unacceptable behaviors. Distancing yourself from negative people is about demonstrating that you have clear emotional boundaries around what is acceptable to you and what’s not.
Al-Anon, a support group for families, friends and teens who are dealing with the effects of a loved ones drinking, teaches to set clear emotional boundaries and make rational decisions about what course of action needs to be taken. This is a great blueprint for setting strong boundaries and making choices.
If, like my client, you wonder how to lovingly separate from negative influences, then here are a few suggestions:
- Avoid arguing with a contrary, pessimistic people. They are looking for attention the only way they know how and it’s a way to get their emotional needs met. Arguing with them only feeds the fire of attention seeking behaviors. State clearly your position and move on.
- Curb the amount of time you spend with disruptive influences. Set strong time boundaries around who you spend time with and how much time you allow them to impact your life.
- Limit how much energy you allow to be zapped from your energy pool, leaving you drained with not enough strength to take care of YOU. Be prudent in how you manage your energy resources. Don’t try to change a negative person’s attitude or behavior.
- Realize that their behavior is brought about by a need to be accepted, loved and cared for. You can’t coax, manipulate or direct anyone else’s attitude or frame of mind. Try reframing their statements to take on a more positive spin or steer the conversation toward something more positive.
- Maintain strong boundaries around your time, space and energy. These are precious resources and they ought to be protected like any other prized possession.
Refuse to participate in someone else’s drama or negative attitude. Unless you’re an actor, drama has no place in your life.
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Gladys Anderson, founder of Coach for YOUR Dreams, is a certified life coach, licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and speaker. Gladys combines years of experience, training and a genuine commitment to helping nurses, teachers, therapists and other care giving women to set limits so they have more time, and energy to devote to self-care.
3 Tips to Set Strong Boundaries
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Your boundary is the invisible shield you put up to protect the many demands placed on your time, energy, and resources.
Visualize your boundary as a shield that protects you from energy drainers, time takers and resource stealers. Protect your boundaries by learning to say NO.
Begin setting strong boundaries by using these 3 tips:
Practice – Practice saying NO. You always have the power to say NO to any request just as others have the power to say NO to your requests. When you say NO to a request for money, time, gifts or commitments, you are in essence asserting your power and authenticity. You get to set your own boundaries. You take charge of your time, energy and resources. If you are in the habit of saying YES when you would rather say NO, it may not be easy for you to begin saying NO. But by practicing saying NO you’ll find that you’re relieved from over-commitment, guilt, and frustration and free up time for you to engage in the activities that are meaningful to you. Saying no to things you would rather not do is like giving yourself a high five!
Prioritize – Take charge of your time – when you are asked to run the PTA bake sale and you are already organizing the class reunion, tutoring, and going to school at night, saying NO to those things that will tax your energy, time and resources will give you the freedom to make choices based on what’s most important to you. You might say something like, “Thanks for thinking of me but I have another commitment” or “I won’t be able to do “that” this time.
Taking control of how you spend your time is essential to setting strong boundaries.
Patience – Old habits die hard, especially when you have been mired in the same old pattern for years. Be gentle with yourself and allow for setbacks but keep in mind you’re in charge. Change will be difficult for the people around you too. They want you to keep doing, giving and saying yes. This is how they get their needs met. Look at the changes you are making as if it were a dance: Women are used to following in a dance, right. Just picture yourself as the leader; you’re leading the way to healthy boundary making. So when you change your step in the dance, the other person must change theirs – either they follow your lead or they don’t, but you’re still in charge. So, why not take the lead and show others the way?
And, to stay connected and get more free tips, I would like to invite you to sign up for your copy of Building Strong Boundaries to Create More Breathing Space in Your Hectic Life
Until Next time…
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Gladys Anderson, founder of Coach for YOUR Dreams, is a certified life coach, licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and speaker. Gladys combines years of experience, training and a genuine commitment to helping nurses, therapists, teachers and other caregivers balance the many demands on their time and energy, create boundaries that shift balance from overwhelm to energized, and live their lives with courage, confidence and clarity.
In Pursuit of Happiness
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Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony – Gandhi
Most people expend a great amount of time looking for happiness in all the wrong places . They chase dreams rather than live dreams. Their lives are stimulated only by addictions, religions, and even other people in a futile attempt to fill the void with purpose and meaning. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.
Happiness is a state of mind based on how worthy you feel. How you feel about yourself is a direct result of the accumulated experiences you have had, particular growing up. For instance, if you grew up being made to feel worthy, valued, loved, protected and respected, most likely you feel happier.
On the other hand, if your experiences led you to feeling unworthy, unloved and disrespected, you may be unhappy, have low self esteem, weak boundaries and lack confidence.
Your internal critic (the negative messages received and embedded in your subconscious) may attempt to sabotage your happiness quotient which will in turn affect your level of self-confidence and self-esteem.
Self confidence is the realistic and positive expectations you have for yourself, your abilities and others. Self confident people exude a sense of control in their lives.
Self esteem is what you think of yourself. If you think you are insignificant, unworthy, devalued, that is the perception you will also present to the world. How you allow yourself to be treated and the way you show up to the world has the greatest impact on your self esteem. No one can make you a doormat unless you willingly lie down.
Fear is another negative influence that dictates how you feel, think and interact in your relationships with others. Each time, you don’t speak up for what you deserve, want and need, you allow fear to rule. Fear is an emotion and one that you have complete control over. Your choices are to let fear rule or you rule fear. Fear is the biggest obstacle to growth and change.
Procrastinating and putting off needed actions you believe you must take, is acknowledging that you really don’t have the necessary confidence to carry them out.
Your happiness depends on the expectations and mindset you have about happiness.
To quote the actress, Betty Davis – “You will never be happier than you expect. To change your happiness, change your expectation.”
Here are some tips to get your happy dance on…
- Maintain a sense of humor; everything is not a matter of life or death. Try to find the humor in stressful situations.
- Lower your worry quotient. Worrying about things over which you have no control will overwhelm and deplete you. Concentrate on the things you have control over. Don’t sweat the small stuff. If you must worry, allow yourself 5 minutes to dwell on the situation and move on to something more productive.
- Be flexible. Things will not always go the way you want but if you are adaptable, you won’t raise your blood pressure by trying to have it your way. Allow for a change in plans.
- Schedule wisely. Don’t add more things into your day than you can reasonably handle. Over scheduling leads to frustration, anger and resentment. Avoid it. Set clear boundaries around your time.
- Happiness is a series of choices you make that determine how you react or respond to a given situation. Remember, no one but you can determine your happiness. Make wise choices based on the things that are important to you.
- Set realistic expectations for yourself and others. Make sure your expectations aren’t rooted in faulty beliefs based on negative experiences.
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
About the Author:
Gladys M. Anderson is a certified group coach, personal life coach and a licensed marriage & family therapist. Gladys helps nurses, therapists, teachers and other caregivers establish boundaries, build balance and create breathing space in their busy lives.
TIP: How to Build a Strong Emotional Boundary
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How does your outer world reflect your inner world?
Are you constantly misplacing your keys, spending time looking for things, never having enough time, surrounded by chaos and negativity?
When you outer world is disorganized, so is your inner world and it reflects a lack of focus and clarity.
TIP: Change the way you think about things. Replace negative, limiting, self-sabotaging thoughts with positive thoughts and affirmations. Immediately turn each negative or limiting thought into a positive statement before it has time to infiltrate your subconscious.
If you have enjoyed this tip, please submit your comments below and click the share button to share it with your friends.
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Gladys M. Anderson is a certified group coach, personal life coach and a licensed marriage & family therapist. Gladys helps nurses, therapists, teachers and other caregivers establish boundaries, build balance and create breathing space in their busy lives.
TIP: How to Create a Strong Financial Boundary
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A major stress for many people in these challenging economic times is money. How do you view money? Do you have an easy come easy go attitude, are you a thrifty spender or are you burdened with debt? Whatever your view of money is, the following tip may be helpful to get or keep your finances in order.
TIP: Spending more than one earns is a recipe for accumulating massive debt. Create a budget and stick to it. Track your spending for a month so that you know where your money is going. You may be surprised at how much you spend on coffee, snacks and non-essentials.
If you are in the habit of saving a portion of your income, congratulations and keep up the good work.
Eliminate credit cards – Create a short and long term plan to pay off outstanding credit cards. Not only will you be free from debt but you will also gain a new found sense of freedom.
About the Author:
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Gladys M. Anderson is a certified group coach, personal life coach and a licensed marriage & family therapist. Gladys helps nurses, therapists, teachers and other caregivers establish boundaries, build balance and create breathing space in their busy lives.
5 Essential Boundary Making Tips
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How are you allowing others to set limits on your time and resources? Are you still taking on more and more tasks when your plate is already running over?
To keep from rocking the boat, what things are you doing that you would rather not? Taking your precious time to run an errand for someone just because they asked is not a way to show you have strong boundaries around YOUR time.
How jam packed is your schedule with the many things you “have to” do for your friends and family that don’t leave time for YOU? There are very few things you “have” to do. Replace “I have to” with “I choose to”…You always have the choice to determine how you spend your time, energy and resources.
What stories do you tell yourself supporting the hamster wheel life (running and running but getting nowhere fast)? Is your story one of scarcity, limits and procrastination?
If you are like most women, you can identify with at least some of the above statements. Most of us are adept at giving and doing for others but fall short when it comes to ourselves.
Use the following tips to start doing the things you love, setting healthy boundaries and creating the balance to enjoy your life:
- Relinquish the notion that you can do all, be all to everyone in your life. You are not superwoman. When you don’t set your own boundaries, you open the floodgates to more stress, anxiety and frustration by letting others set limits on your time and resources. Instead of keeping the peace, you’re really teaching other people that they have the power to determine how, when and what you spend your time doing.
- Revise the expectations you place on yourself – Look at where the expectations come from. Are they cultural, family defined or self imposed? For example, maybe you grew up believing that it’s better to give than receive and consequently, you give, give and give yet have difficulty receiving (i.e., compliments, gifts). Don’t let someone else’s expectations become your reality.
- Be spontaneous – You don’t have to know every detail before taking action. When you spend precious time trying to figure out every possible outcome to the decisions you make, you are actually agonizing over things you have no control of. Sometimes, you just have to make a decision and just go with it. If it turns out you could have made a better choice, revise or change your approach.
- If you are trying to find ways to avoid some people in your life or you are constantly complaining about them, then it may be time to revisit the virtues of that relationship. Sometimes people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Re-evaluate your relationships with these people and set some firm boundaries about how and when you want them to participate in your life.
- Get off the back burner – Putting your needs and desires on the back burner while everyone else gets front and center, sends the message that your needs are not as important. Making yourself a priority lets other people know you value yourself, your time and your resources.
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
About the Author:
Gladys M. Anderson is a certified group coach, personal life coach and a licensed marriage & family therapist. Gladys helps nurses, therapists, teachers and other caregivers establish boundaries, build balance and create breathing space into their busy lives.
In Perfect Alignment
Posted by: | CommentsHave you ever wondered if you make the right choices, live your
life in harmony with what you know to be true?
One of the things that I absolutely know for sure is that I have
the right to make choices for my life, express my desires and am in
total control of how I speak, act and respond to circumstances,
other people and situations. I need only to respond in alignment
with my own truth.
I offer you the following things that you must embrace if you are to live joyfully and in alignment with your own unique truth:
1) Know that you are in control of your thoughts, actions, words and responses. When your response is in harmony with your words actions and thoughts, you are empowered and joyful.
2) You can confidently state your intent (thought) to the universe
and wait patiently for manifestation. You don’t have to figure
out the “how” it’s going to manifest. Just believe that it will.
3) You know for sure that when you focus on positive outcomes, you get positive results.
4) You also know for sure that you must value yourself or the world won’t place value on you.
5) You know that you can’t control anyone else’s actions or
emotions. You are always in control of your emotions and
responses.
And, last but not least…
6) You must know that you are a worthwhile person, have value,
deserve to live joyfully and are here on earth to share your
unique gifts with the world.
I hope these 6 things will guide you on your journey of discovery and aligning your thoughts, actions and words with your own truth.
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Gladys Anderson, founder of Coach for YOUR Dreams, is a certified life coach, licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and speaker. Gladys combines years of experience, training and a genuine commitment to helping nurses, teachers, therapists and other care giving women to set limits so they have more time, and energy to devote to self-care.