Archive for boundary making
Your Boundary is Your Invisible Self-Monitoring Tool
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There are a variety of tools available to keep you on track such as budgets, time management, journals and vision boards. And, like the other tools you avail yourself of to stay on track and reach your goals, you can also use your invisible self-monitoring tool to create strong boundaries that protect you from time stealers, energy drainers and negativity.
I’m sure you wouldn’t allow guests in your home to trample on your furniture, paint on your walls or deface your property in some other way.
Yet, many times, we unwittingly invite people to disrespect our boundaries by leaving a trail of negativity in their wake.
For example:
- The “friend” who does not listen to you or value your opinions
- People who infringe on your time without respect for your time limits
- Anyone who frequently refuses to accept “no” as your final answer
- Erratic behavior aimed directly at you
- Holding on to relationships and behaviors you find intolerable or offensive
Think of your boundaries as the invisible shield that protects you from negativity and harmful behaviors.
Your boundary is your invisible self-monitoring tool. Here are a few ways to use it:
- Don’t hold on to commitments, relationships or behaviors that no longer serve a useful purpose. Understand when it’s time to let go of things that no longer serve you. Your precious time could be better spent pursuing activities that bring you joy and enrich your life.
- Be willing to let go of the things in your life that don’t honor your boundaries. You may recognize that it’s time to let go but maybe you are not quite willing to let go. You never know what doors will open with just the right opportunity when you have made space for it.
- Exercise your right to make a choice about how, when and what you spend your time doing. If you don’t value your time, no one else will either. Making the choice to set limits on your time, energy and resources creates strong time boundaries and space so that you can engage in the things that are really important to you.
- Accept change. Change is inevitable…nothing stays the same. Change is a vehicle for growth and an opportunity to experience something new and exciting. If nothing else, change the way you look at things. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change – Wayne Dyer
When someone violates your boundaries by devaluing your opinions, choices and ideas, it’s up to you to say a resounding NO and take charge of how you want to live your life.
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Certified Life Coach, Family therapist and Group Coaching Specialist, Gladys M. Anderson, helps nurses, teachers, social workers, therapists and other care-giving women to set limits so they have more time, more joy and more energy for self-care.
3 Tips to Set Strong Boundaries
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Your boundary is the invisible shield you put up to protect the many demands placed on your time, energy, and resources.
Visualize your boundary as a shield that protects you from energy drainers, time takers and resource stealers. Protect your boundaries by learning to say NO.
Begin setting strong boundaries by using these 3 tips:
Practice – Practice saying NO. You always have the power to say NO to any request just as others have the power to say NO to your requests. When you say NO to a request for money, time, gifts or commitments, you are in essence asserting your power and authenticity. You get to set your own boundaries. You take charge of your time, energy and resources. If you are in the habit of saying YES when you would rather say NO, it may not be easy for you to begin saying NO. But by practicing saying NO you’ll find that you’re relieved from over-commitment, guilt, and frustration and free up time for you to engage in the activities that are meaningful to you. Saying no to things you would rather not do is like giving yourself a high five!
Prioritize – Take charge of your time – when you are asked to run the PTA bake sale and you are already organizing the class reunion, tutoring, and going to school at night, saying NO to those things that will tax your energy, time and resources will give you the freedom to make choices based on what’s most important to you. You might say something like, “Thanks for thinking of me but I have another commitment” or “I won’t be able to do “that” this time.
Taking control of how you spend your time is essential to setting strong boundaries.
Patience – Old habits die hard, especially when you have been mired in the same old pattern for years. Be gentle with yourself and allow for setbacks but keep in mind you’re in charge. Change will be difficult for the people around you too. They want you to keep doing, giving and saying yes. This is how they get their needs met. Look at the changes you are making as if it were a dance: Women are used to following in a dance, right. Just picture yourself as the leader; you’re leading the way to healthy boundary making. So when you change your step in the dance, the other person must change theirs – either they follow your lead or they don’t, but you’re still in charge. So, why not take the lead and show others the way?
And, to stay connected and get more free tips, I would like to invite you to sign up for your copy of Building Strong Boundaries to Create More Breathing Space in Your Hectic Life
Until Next time…
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Gladys Anderson, founder of Coach for YOUR Dreams, is a certified life coach, licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and speaker. Gladys combines years of experience, training and a genuine commitment to helping nurses, therapists, teachers and other caregivers balance the many demands on their time and energy, create boundaries that shift balance from overwhelm to energized, and live their lives with courage, confidence and clarity.
5 Essential Boundary Making Tips
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How are you allowing others to set limits on your time and resources? Are you still taking on more and more tasks when your plate is already running over?
To keep from rocking the boat, what things are you doing that you would rather not? Taking your precious time to run an errand for someone just because they asked is not a way to show you have strong boundaries around YOUR time.
How jam packed is your schedule with the many things you “have to” do for your friends and family that don’t leave time for YOU? There are very few things you “have” to do. Replace “I have to” with “I choose to”…You always have the choice to determine how you spend your time, energy and resources.
What stories do you tell yourself supporting the hamster wheel life (running and running but getting nowhere fast)? Is your story one of scarcity, limits and procrastination?
If you are like most women, you can identify with at least some of the above statements. Most of us are adept at giving and doing for others but fall short when it comes to ourselves.
Use the following tips to start doing the things you love, setting healthy boundaries and creating the balance to enjoy your life:
- Relinquish the notion that you can do all, be all to everyone in your life. You are not superwoman. When you don’t set your own boundaries, you open the floodgates to more stress, anxiety and frustration by letting others set limits on your time and resources. Instead of keeping the peace, you’re really teaching other people that they have the power to determine how, when and what you spend your time doing.
- Revise the expectations you place on yourself – Look at where the expectations come from. Are they cultural, family defined or self imposed? For example, maybe you grew up believing that it’s better to give than receive and consequently, you give, give and give yet have difficulty receiving (i.e., compliments, gifts). Don’t let someone else’s expectations become your reality.
- Be spontaneous – You don’t have to know every detail before taking action. When you spend precious time trying to figure out every possible outcome to the decisions you make, you are actually agonizing over things you have no control of. Sometimes, you just have to make a decision and just go with it. If it turns out you could have made a better choice, revise or change your approach.
- If you are trying to find ways to avoid some people in your life or you are constantly complaining about them, then it may be time to revisit the virtues of that relationship. Sometimes people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Re-evaluate your relationships with these people and set some firm boundaries about how and when you want them to participate in your life.
- Get off the back burner – Putting your needs and desires on the back burner while everyone else gets front and center, sends the message that your needs are not as important. Making yourself a priority lets other people know you value yourself, your time and your resources.
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
About the Author:
Gladys M. Anderson is a certified group coach, personal life coach and a licensed marriage & family therapist. Gladys helps nurses, therapists, teachers and other caregivers establish boundaries, build balance and create breathing space into their busy lives.
What I learned About Boundaries From Larry, the Cable Guy
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Yesterday evening I picked up my phone poised to dial out and there was dead silence…no dial tone, no static…nothing…
My first thought was I had inadvertently disconnected one of the many tangled cords underneath my desk. If you’ve ever had to crawl around into the abyss under your desk on your hands and knees, you know this is no small feat.
With flashlight in hand, I checked each of the sundry connections making sure they were all housed in their respective homes. From my non-techy vantage point, everything looked to be in order.
Time to place a call to the provider of my phone service, which is also my cable company.
With cell phone in had, I make the call. Little did I know this was just the beginning of my saga into the world of techno phone land. After three attempts, I finally get a “live” person and tell my story to numerous “technical support” people, including “supervisors”. No one could troubleshoot the problem from his or her end. And they couldn’t restore my service that night.
Eventually, I was told that a technician would have to come out to investigate since they couldn’t detect any problems. I reluntantly made an appoinment for the next morning.
To say I was upset is putting it mildly…
Promptly, at the appointed time, the cable guy arrived.
Once he made the required checks and counterchecks, he was able to discover the problem.
I had connected the phone line to the wrong opening on the modem!
Egg all over my face…
So what did my experience with Larry, the cable guy teach me about boundaries?
- I learned to pay close attention to where I plug in cords. It could have saved me a $30 service call! I was also reminded of the things we plug into – like time takers – rushing, holding on to clutter and disorganization. Had I used those fancy doodads that keeps cords tangle free, I might have saved myself some precious time. Pay attention to what you plug into your life. Make sure you have your boundaries established and enforce them before you get tangled up in situations that will cost you in time, energy and resources.
- I learned to ask for help even if I have to wear egg on my face, Technology is not my area of expertise I can’t do everything in all situations. Know your limitations and seek expert help when you need it. Asking for help from the people who are good at what they do means that you give yourself permission to do the things that make you an expert and the freedom to pursue your passions.
- I learned to practice patience. I confess, I’m still learning this lesson… Waiting on hold and explaining the same problem to several people gives me lots of practice. I keep the stress bunnies at bay when I practice patience. When life hands you lemons – make lemonade. Use waiting time like a breath of fresh air. Inhale deeply and relax for a few minutes to clear away the nasty little irritations, and relieve stress.
- You can learn something in almost any situation when you take the time to process it. When you are in the midst of chaos, anxious and stressful situations, stop just long enough to see if there might be a lesson in there for you.
The next time you’re on hold long enough to go make a sandwich, eat it and have some dessert. Remember you’re learning a lesson and once you learn it well you won’t have to repeat it.
What lesson have you learned today? Please leave your thoughts in the comment section below and share this post with your friends.
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
About the Author:
Gladys M. Anderson is a certified group coach, personal life coach and a licensed marriage & family therapist. Gladys helps nurses, therapists, teachers and other caregivers establish boundaries, build balance and create breathing space into their busy lives.
Stop the People-Pleasing Syndrome Dead in its Tracks
Posted by: | CommentsPleasing others is not necessarily a bad thing. Considering the needs of others, graciousness and the willingness to help others are admirable traits.
For many people, the desire to please becomes a reliance on others for approval and acceptance, even when it restricts their own happiness and health. Constantly trying to gain acceptance, validation and approval is a detriment to relations, health and sabotages boundary making.
“As a people-pleaser, you feel controlled by your need to please others and addicted to their approval. At the same time, you feel out of control over the pressures and demands on your life that these needs have created” writes Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D., in The Disease to Please.
Consider the following statements to see if you can benefit from learning to say no to others more often—and yes to yourself.
“I put others’ needs before my own, even when the cost to me and my own happiness is great.”
“If someone needs my help, I can’t say no. In fact, I often find it difficult to say no. And when I do, I feel guilty.”
“To avoid reactions I’m afraid of, I often try to be who others want me to be, to agree with them, to fit in.”
If you can identify with any of the above statements, it may be time to take a look at how people pleasing impacts your life:
1) Are you looking for approval from others to increase your self-esteem?
2) Is validation you motivation for people pleasing?
3) Do you feel that you have to please others to get along with them?
4) Are you constantly saying yes, when you want to say no?
5) Are you hiding your real feelings when you say yes?
6) Do you think others will disapprove of you if you say no?
If any of the above resonates with you, I urge you to seriously consider what it is costing you to deny your feelings, desires and your own happiness.
Stop people pleasing and please yourself first!
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Gladys Anderson, founder of Coach for YOUR Dreams, is a certified life coach, licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and speaker. Gladys combines years of experience, training and a genuine commitment to helping nurses, teachers, therapists and other care giving women to set limits so they have more time, and energy to devote to self-care.