Archive for boundaries
Happiness Really is an Inside Job
Posted by: | CommentsHappiness really is an inside job. A sure blueprint for unhappiness is when you say and do things that are unaligned with your integrity, beliefs and desires. If your thinking is not in line with what you are doing and saying, you will experience conflict, anger and frustration.
I often come across women who say they are not happy. They are unhappy because they are living out of integrity – doing and saying things that conflict with their beliefs, desires and expectations.
One of my clients complained that she was “just unhappy” and didn’t like saying “no” to family members and friends and often wound up feeling that her time and wishes were ignored. As we worked together, we uncovered why she wasn’t happy in her personal life. She allowed the people in her life to manipulate her into guilt if she said no or set personal boundaries. Hidden beneath the people pleasing was a faulty belief that she would be happy if she got recognition and approval for her efforts.
If you’re not happy, here are some tips to begin the work of getting happy from the inside out:
Paint a new picture – Your life is the canvass on which you paint the picture of how you expect to be treated. Being happy means you show the world what you think and feel rather than what you think everyone else wants you to be or do.
Pay attention to your words - Over use of the words, “I have to, I should or I need to” indicates that you are about to do something you would rather not. You certainly won’t be happy with yourself if you are constantly doing things out of guilt or expectations set by someone else. Instead, use empowering words like “I will, I want, I choose or I can” to convey your desires.
Appreciate yourself first - Appreciate and compliment yourself on all the good qualities you have and you will be less likely to seek happiness, approval and recognition from outside yourself.
Express your true feelings – If you shy away from expressing what you really think or feel, you’re sending the message that you desires are unimportant. Make a conscious choice to say what you feel on the inside instead of what you think others might want to hear. Holding back your real feelings leads to unhappiness and frustration.
This week, take an honest look at your life, review the above tips and see if there is an inner area of your life where you can begin to cultivate happiness from the inside.
Have a “happy week”!
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Certified Life Coach, Family therapist and Group Coaching Specialist, Gladys M. Anderson, helps nurses, teachers, social workers, therapists and other care-giving women to set limits so they have more time, more joy and more energy for self-care. To get tips, start living out loud with more enthusiasm, energy, passion, and self-confidence now, get your FREE copy of Building Strong Boundaries to Create More Breathing Space in Your Hectic Life
Put Multitasking on Hold
Posted by: | Comments
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I can put multitasking on hold mostly when I’m on a call and another is waiting or I glance at my computer screen and see I am working in several windows simultaneously.
Multitasking can easily become a big part of our lives especially now with the busy holiday season fast approaching. And, all of this multitasking starts to make me feel like I’m on an out of control roller coaster wishing someone would put on the brakes. Like most women, I find myself occasionally deep in the throes of multitasking and busyness. But, when I can slow down long enough to allow myself some breathing space, I realize that in addition to all the appointments, household chores, social commitments, and other demands on my time, I do have a choice.
Put multitasking on hold and avoid overwhelm by using these suggestions:
•Make a commitment to carve out self-care daily. Start small with something you enjoy and build on that. Take 5 or 10 minutes to quietly enjoy a soothing cup of tea. Tea is a natural relaxant and while sipping tea, you can begin to refocus. Maybe coffee, or another soothing drink may be for you. It doesn’t matter if you have something to drink or not. The important thing is to commit to carving out self-time on a daily basis.
•Let go of the guilt. Reduce the overwhelm. Hold others accountable for the things they are responsible for. Don’t stress over what others are doing or not doing. You have no control over others and their actions. Keep in mind that you can only be responsible for the things that you are responsible for.
•Prioritize – For the most part, women tend to prioritize according to the needs of others – not yourselves. To put your needs first is not a selfish act but rather a selfless one. For the same reason we are told to don our masks if there is an emergency on a flight, is the same reason you must nurture and take good care of yourself so that you are ready to take care of others in your lives with energy and willingness.
•Allow friends to support and encourage you. Most of you can easily and willingly grumble to friends about how busy you are and how little time you have for yourself. This is not support. You want to surround yourself with people who will offer suggestions, give of themselves if need be, encourage and uplift you.
Set clear boundaries around how many commitments you agree to, how you want to spend your time and energy and with whom you spend your time. Having strong boundaries means that you make responsible choices based on your ability to give, do and be – not choices made out of guilt or a desire to avoid conflict or please someone else.
•Make an appointment with YOU. When you are keeping track of all the other appointments and to do lists on your schedule, put in your planner or calendar an appointment for YOU. Use the time to refresh and re-energize so that you will have a power source from which to give to others.
And, to get other self-care tips, tools and resources to stay focused and motivated to attract more joy, more time and more energy in your life, start by getting your FREE copy of Building Strong Boundaries to Create More Breathing Space in Your Hectic Life
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Certified Life Coach, Family therapist and Group Coaching Specialist, Gladys M. Anderson, helps nurses, teachers, social workers, therapists and other care-giving women to set limits so they have more time, more joy and more energy for self-care.
Do You Make These Deadly Mistakes When Carving Out Time for Self-Care?
Posted by: | CommentsI know how difficult it is to carve out space for self-care when you are inundated with the ironing, cooking, cleaning and trying to balance your personal and professional life. It may seem like all the demands made on you are draining you of precious energy and you’re so tired you could sleep for a week, yet you might not sleep well even if you have time.
It’s hard to believe, but we are just a few weeks away from the busy holiday season. The struggle for self-care will be even more evident when we take on the added stress of shopping for gifts, entertaining and trying to fit self-care into our busy schedules.
Do you make these deadly mistakes when carving out time for self care?
- Saying “yes” when you really want to say no – Agreeing to do things under pressure, out of guilt, or just because it’s easier leads to frustration and violates your personal boundaries.
- Engaging in unnecessary distractions – Your time may be consumed by “fillers” – i.e., TV, Internet, texting and the constant demand to be in touch with everything and everyone. All of this connection takes precious time away from the most important connection of all – the connection with self.
- Lacking a morning ritual – Wake up earlier than usual and squeeze in an extra half- hour to pray, meditate or sit quietly. This is time to focus on yourself before beginning your day.
- Disregarding your boundaries – Your boundaries reflect what is or is not acceptable for you as an individual. They mark out the things that are important to you and how you expect to be treated by others. It is your responsibility to guard these boundaries carefully because they represent your authentic self and your life goals. You must be prepared to say “no” to requests or demands that cross your boundary lines and demand treatment from others that is consistent with the limits you’ve set for yourself.
If any of the above sounds familiar, it may be time to carve out time for self-care. Here are some suggestions:
- Learn to say no – Only agree to do those things that you have the time, energy and resources to do. Doing so builds self-confidence and frees up time for you to do the things you enjoy most.
- Reserve space for YOU – Taking care of everyone and everything drains your energy pool. Reserving special time for yourself is crucial and ensures that you are replenished and ready to face the tasks ahead with energy and enthusiasm.
- Set strong, healthy boundaries – Only by setting limits on your time and energy will you effectively manage self-care. Make sure you set aside time, at the least once a week, to rejuvenate your energy pool.
To get more tips, tools and ideas for self-care, start by getting your FREE copy of Building Strong Boundaries to Create More Breathing Space in Your Hectic Life
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Certified Life Coach, Family therapist and Group Coaching Specialist, Gladys M. Anderson, helps nurses, teachers, social workers, therapists and other care-giving women to set limits so they have more time, more joy and more energy for self-care.
Choose Your Words Carefully – Use Empowering Words
Posted by: | Comments
Choose your words carefully and make your wishes known by using empowering words such as I choose to/not to or I will/won’t. Disempowering words like “I/you can’t, “I/you have to”, and “I/you should”, send the message that you easily give away your power or you’re attempting to disempower someone else with misguided expectations.
For example, every time I find myself saying “I should”, I ask myself am I responding to my wishes or someone else’s. This is the formula I use:
- Is it good for me?
- Is it good for them?
- Do I want to do it
If it’s not something you really want to do or you’re considering doing it because you want to please or you’re looking to get validation or acceptance, then you are responding to an unspoken expectation placed on you, your time, energy or resources. Peppering your sentences with “should” is placing the responsibility for what you want and feel outside of yourself.
It may be that you choose dis-empowering words because you tell yourself you’re shy, you think it’s “pushy” to assert yourself, you lack firm consistent boundaries or enough confidence to assert yourself.
If any of the above ring true, isn’t it time you stand up, speak out and free yourself of the constraints that hold you back from getting what you want?
Here are a few suggestions to begin:
- Choose to use empowering words – Use empowering words like “I choose to/I choose not to” instead of “I have to or I should”. When you use powerful words like these, you begin to act and feel powerful.
- Align your verbal expressions to match your values and demonstrate the self-worth and respect you have for yourself.
- Avoid negative self-talk and your speech won’t be peppered with doubts and limitations resulting in self- sabotaging behaviors.
- Clearly and powerfully express your desires - If you don’s powerfully speak up, ask for what you want, you leave the door open for others to speak for you and make decisions not in your best interest.
- Set clear and realistic expectations for yourself and others – You cannot predict what others think or do but you have complete control of your thoughts, actions and responses.
Choose your words carefully – use empowering words to express what you want, what you will do, and what you will accept. Set clear boundaries around how you spend your time and energy. If you’re not in the habit of using empowering words, it may be uncomfortable at first but with practice, you can master it.
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Certified Life Coach, Family therapist and Group Coaching Specialist, Gladys M. Anderson, helps nurses, teachers, social workers, therapists and other care-giving women to set limits so they have more time, more joy and more energy for self-care. Get my FREE special report: Building Strong Boundaries to Create More Breathing Space in Your Hectic Life and stay in touch with me by email for more self-care tips.
Self-Care Can Sneak Its Way Into Your Daily Routine
Posted by: | Comments
Self-care can sneak its way into your daily routine even when you’re so exhausted you hardly have enough energy to crawl out of bed.
But, if you don’t make space daily for self-care you end up often feeling irritable, anxious, depressed or bored. And all of that negative energy further depletes you and pushes self-care even farther into the background.
According to Dr. Christiane Northrup, a women’s health expert, the key to self-care is knowing in your heart that the best way you can care for others is by caring for yourself. It’s not selfish or to take care of yourself first. By doing so, you are assured that you have enough energy to take care of the other people in your life.
Here are some easy ways you can let self care sneak its way into your daily routine:
- Avoid unnecessary distractions – “fillers” – i.e., TV, Internet, texts and the constant demand to be in touch with everything and everyone, consume our time. All of this connection takes precious time away from the most important connection of all – the connection with self. Reduce the amount of negative energy coming at you from the media, and social connections.
- Start a Morning Ritual – Wake up earlier than usual and squeeze in an extra half- hour to pray, meditate, read motivational quotes or sit quietly breathing deeply. This is your time to focus on yourself before starting your day.
- Protect Your Boundaries – Boundaries are the invisible lines you place around you to protect your time, energy and resources. Your boundaries establish how you expect to be treated and what’s acceptable and what’s not. Guard your boundaries with care because strong boundaries make it easier to say “no” to requests and demands that eat away at your time, energy, confidence and self-worth.
- Treat yourself kindly – Taking time to wind down, reflect and feel in control of your life is likely to create better feelings about yourself. And the benefits extend to your family, friends, and co-workers. Treating yourself well is a powerful way to feel calmer, loving, generous, patient and relaxed.
- Fine-tune your schedule so that you leave space for some “me time”. When you are planning your daily activities, put YOU as a priority so that you have a visual reminder to take some time for yourself, even if it’s only 15 minutes to sit with your eyes closed.
Adding self-care to your daily routine shows that you place value on yourself and love yourself enough to take the very best care of yourself.
What’s your self-care routine?
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Gladys Anderson, founder of Coach for YOUR Dreams, is a certified life coach, licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and speaker. Gladys combines years of experience, training and a genuine commitment to helping nurses, teachers, therapists and other care giving women to set limits so they have more time, and energy to devote to self-care.