Archive for Setting Boundaries
Personal Boundary Success Tips
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Your relationships are mirror images of the view you have of yourself and are a direct reflection of the relationships you have in your life. You are an integral part of any relationship and the role you play is crucial as to whether or not your relationships are successful, healthy, thriving or unhealthy and withering. Without relationships in your life, you would not know what upsets you, what excites you, when to make a choice that’s in your best interest or what things trigger an automatic negative or positive response in you. That’s why it’s important to set strong boundaries around what you will do, accept, and give.
“Without a strong concept of your boundaries, you can easily react and respond in ways that don’t honor the person you truly are”
You may see some of these behaviors displayed when you or someone you know doesn’t have strong boundaries:
- Appearing timid and fearful in unfamiliar settings
- Constantly “busy” with rarely any time to take care of yourself
- Agreeing to do things out of guilt even when you’re screaming “NO” inside
- Generously gives of her time and energy but has difficulty receiving compliments or gifts from others
- Often says, “I don’t know” or “It doesn’t matter” when faced with making a choice/decision
- Worries about making mistakes or overly concerned with what others will think of her
Any of the above behaviors are merely smoke screens to hide the fact that boundaries are weak. To clear the fog, here are some personal boundary success tips you can use to replace weak boundary behaviors:
- Focus on your resources, gifts, talents and abilities. List all the things you’ve been able to accomplish. This is your success sheet. By focusing on your past successes, you build confidence and are motivated to try something new.
- Spend some time in quiet reflection to think about what you want to attract into your life. It may be easier at first to list all the things you don’t want and then turn them into positive things you do want.
- Learn to accept compliments/gifts graciously. Don’t say, “you shouldn’t have” or “this old thing – I’ve had it forever”. Simply, say, “thank you” and nothing else. You may have to practice refraining from embellishment a few times until you get comfortable accepting gifts and compliments graciously.
- Whenever there’s a slip up in setting your boundaries, look at it as a learning opportunity and move on. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. The important thing is that you recognize the mistake and grow from it.
- Acknowledge all feelings – anger, sadness, anxiety, fear, and depression. All of your feelings are valid. Either confide in a trusted friend or write your thoughts in a journal so that they don’t linger on them and allow them to derail your efforts.
- Avoid negative self-talk. Don’t call yourself “lazy”, “stupid, or say things like, “I never do anything right, I’m such a screw up”. Your words become your thoughts and your thoughts become your actions. So, be careful of the words you use so that the words you say to yourself don’t become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Your personal boundary is the foundation for every relationship, interaction and reaction you have. Strong personal boundaries lay the groundwork for how you treat yourself and how you allow others to treat you. To learn more about boundaries, I invite you to join our self-care circle and get your FREE special report, Building Strong Boundaries to Create Breathing Space in Your Hectic Life.
Gladys M. Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Gladys M. Anderson, helps nurses, teachers, social workers, therapists and other care-giving women to set limits so they have more time, more joy and more energy for self-care.
Happiness Really is an Inside Job
Posted by: | CommentsHappiness really is an inside job. A sure blueprint for unhappiness is when you say and do things that are unaligned with your integrity, beliefs and desires. If your thinking is not in line with what you are doing and saying, you will experience conflict, anger and frustration.
I often come across women who say they are not happy. They are unhappy because they are living out of integrity – doing and saying things that conflict with their beliefs, desires and expectations.
One of my clients complained that she was “just unhappy” and didn’t like saying “no” to family members and friends and often wound up feeling that her time and wishes were ignored. As we worked together, we uncovered why she wasn’t happy in her personal life. She allowed the people in her life to manipulate her into guilt if she said no or set personal boundaries. Hidden beneath the people pleasing was a faulty belief that she would be happy if she got recognition and approval for her efforts.
If you’re not happy, here are some tips to begin the work of getting happy from the inside out:
Paint a new picture – Your life is the canvass on which you paint the picture of how you expect to be treated. Being happy means you show the world what you think and feel rather than what you think everyone else wants you to be or do.
Pay attention to your words - Over use of the words, “I have to, I should or I need to” indicates that you are about to do something you would rather not. You certainly won’t be happy with yourself if you are constantly doing things out of guilt or expectations set by someone else. Instead, use empowering words like “I will, I want, I choose or I can” to convey your desires.
Appreciate yourself first - Appreciate and compliment yourself on all the good qualities you have and you will be less likely to seek happiness, approval and recognition from outside yourself.
Express your true feelings – If you shy away from expressing what you really think or feel, you’re sending the message that you desires are unimportant. Make a conscious choice to say what you feel on the inside instead of what you think others might want to hear. Holding back your real feelings leads to unhappiness and frustration.
This week, take an honest look at your life, review the above tips and see if there is an inner area of your life where you can begin to cultivate happiness from the inside.
Have a “happy week”!
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Certified Life Coach, Family therapist and Group Coaching Specialist, Gladys M. Anderson, helps nurses, teachers, social workers, therapists and other care-giving women to set limits so they have more time, more joy and more energy for self-care. To get tips, start living out loud with more enthusiasm, energy, passion, and self-confidence now, get your FREE copy of Building Strong Boundaries to Create More Breathing Space in Your Hectic Life
Put Multitasking on Hold
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Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I can put multitasking on hold mostly when I’m on a call and another is waiting or I glance at my computer screen and see I am working in several windows simultaneously.
Multitasking can easily become a big part of our lives especially now with the busy holiday season fast approaching. And, all of this multitasking starts to make me feel like I’m on an out of control roller coaster wishing someone would put on the brakes. Like most women, I find myself occasionally deep in the throes of multitasking and busyness. But, when I can slow down long enough to allow myself some breathing space, I realize that in addition to all the appointments, household chores, social commitments, and other demands on my time, I do have a choice.
Put multitasking on hold and avoid overwhelm by using these suggestions:
•Make a commitment to carve out self-care daily. Start small with something you enjoy and build on that. Take 5 or 10 minutes to quietly enjoy a soothing cup of tea. Tea is a natural relaxant and while sipping tea, you can begin to refocus. Maybe coffee, or another soothing drink may be for you. It doesn’t matter if you have something to drink or not. The important thing is to commit to carving out self-time on a daily basis.
•Let go of the guilt. Reduce the overwhelm. Hold others accountable for the things they are responsible for. Don’t stress over what others are doing or not doing. You have no control over others and their actions. Keep in mind that you can only be responsible for the things that you are responsible for.
•Prioritize – For the most part, women tend to prioritize according to the needs of others – not yourselves. To put your needs first is not a selfish act but rather a selfless one. For the same reason we are told to don our masks if there is an emergency on a flight, is the same reason you must nurture and take good care of yourself so that you are ready to take care of others in your lives with energy and willingness.
•Allow friends to support and encourage you. Most of you can easily and willingly grumble to friends about how busy you are and how little time you have for yourself. This is not support. You want to surround yourself with people who will offer suggestions, give of themselves if need be, encourage and uplift you.
Set clear boundaries around how many commitments you agree to, how you want to spend your time and energy and with whom you spend your time. Having strong boundaries means that you make responsible choices based on your ability to give, do and be – not choices made out of guilt or a desire to avoid conflict or please someone else.
•Make an appointment with YOU. When you are keeping track of all the other appointments and to do lists on your schedule, put in your planner or calendar an appointment for YOU. Use the time to refresh and re-energize so that you will have a power source from which to give to others.
And, to get other self-care tips, tools and resources to stay focused and motivated to attract more joy, more time and more energy in your life, start by getting your FREE copy of Building Strong Boundaries to Create More Breathing Space in Your Hectic Life
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Certified Life Coach, Family therapist and Group Coaching Specialist, Gladys M. Anderson, helps nurses, teachers, social workers, therapists and other care-giving women to set limits so they have more time, more joy and more energy for self-care.
Do You Make These Deadly Mistakes When Carving Out Time for Self-Care?
Posted by: | CommentsI know how difficult it is to carve out space for self-care when you are inundated with the ironing, cooking, cleaning and trying to balance your personal and professional life. It may seem like all the demands made on you are draining you of precious energy and you’re so tired you could sleep for a week, yet you might not sleep well even if you have time.
It’s hard to believe, but we are just a few weeks away from the busy holiday season. The struggle for self-care will be even more evident when we take on the added stress of shopping for gifts, entertaining and trying to fit self-care into our busy schedules.
Do you make these deadly mistakes when carving out time for self care?
- Saying “yes” when you really want to say no – Agreeing to do things under pressure, out of guilt, or just because it’s easier leads to frustration and violates your personal boundaries.
- Engaging in unnecessary distractions – Your time may be consumed by “fillers” – i.e., TV, Internet, texting and the constant demand to be in touch with everything and everyone. All of this connection takes precious time away from the most important connection of all – the connection with self.
- Lacking a morning ritual – Wake up earlier than usual and squeeze in an extra half- hour to pray, meditate or sit quietly. This is time to focus on yourself before beginning your day.
- Disregarding your boundaries – Your boundaries reflect what is or is not acceptable for you as an individual. They mark out the things that are important to you and how you expect to be treated by others. It is your responsibility to guard these boundaries carefully because they represent your authentic self and your life goals. You must be prepared to say “no” to requests or demands that cross your boundary lines and demand treatment from others that is consistent with the limits you’ve set for yourself.
If any of the above sounds familiar, it may be time to carve out time for self-care. Here are some suggestions:
- Learn to say no – Only agree to do those things that you have the time, energy and resources to do. Doing so builds self-confidence and frees up time for you to do the things you enjoy most.
- Reserve space for YOU – Taking care of everyone and everything drains your energy pool. Reserving special time for yourself is crucial and ensures that you are replenished and ready to face the tasks ahead with energy and enthusiasm.
- Set strong, healthy boundaries – Only by setting limits on your time and energy will you effectively manage self-care. Make sure you set aside time, at the least once a week, to rejuvenate your energy pool.
To get more tips, tools and ideas for self-care, start by getting your FREE copy of Building Strong Boundaries to Create More Breathing Space in Your Hectic Life
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Certified Life Coach, Family therapist and Group Coaching Specialist, Gladys M. Anderson, helps nurses, teachers, social workers, therapists and other care-giving women to set limits so they have more time, more joy and more energy for self-care.
How to Maintain Self-Care and Keep an Emotional Healthy Outlook
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From time to time, most of us get over-shadowed by a less than healthy emotional outlook. Yet, that does not mean we have to dwell in it or accept it as our reality. When your emotional outlook is cloudy, it’s important to allow the sun to shine through by taking some well-deserved time for self-care.
Many women today lead lives punctuated with to-do-lists, decision-making, family obligations, social and community activities, chauffeuring, appointments and a host of other to-do’s.
Yet, while all this “busy-ness” may give you a sense of accomplishment, purpose, validation and acceptance, it comes with a high price. The price you pay is in lack of consistent self-care and that takes a serious toll on your emotional and physical health.
Oprah once said, “I don’t have a weight problem – I have a self-care problem that manifests through weight”.
Because Oprah is another very busy woman who neglected to take time for herself, she fell prey to heart palpitations, a thyroid condition and weight gain and emotional drain.
Here are some clear indications that you may have an unhealthy emotional outlook and what you can do about it:
Worrying over things outside of your control – When you worry you are trying to prevent those nasty little surprises that catch you off guard. Or another way of putting it is, you’re trying to control the outcome of something or someone else. Whenever those irritating thoughts pop up, write yourself a “worry list”. From your list, pick one worry and devote 10-15 minutes to it. Once the time is up, immediately engage in another activity that will keep your mind occupied. Doing this puts you in control and minimizes the amount of time you spend worrying.
Putting your needs on the back burner – Giving up your precious time and energy to worry, predicting, and project leaves you little time to exercise, relax and refresh both your physical and mental health. This often leads to physical ailments, burnout, irritability and an inability to take care of you and the people you care about. Make sure you schedule some time to rejuvenate and relax so that you have the energy to take care good care of YOU while taking care of the other people in your life
Build Resiliency – Resiliency is the ability to bounce back from adverse circumstances. For example, this is what Michael J. Fox said about having Parkinson’s disease, “If I let it affect me, it’s gonna own everything. I don’t deny it or pretend it’s not there, but I don’t allow it to be bigger than it is. I can’t always control my body and I can’t control whether or not I feel good…but I can control how clear my mind is and I can control how willing I am to step up if somebody needs me.” Having in place the emotional stamina to withstand life’s setbacks, not only builds resiliency, but keeps you out of the role of victim, and also helps you to control the things within your power to control”.
Whatever thoughts or beliefs you hold, your mind will believe it because your brain only responds to your subconscious voice.
So when the clouds of “busy-ness” threaten to color your life, remember that the answer is self-care!
And, in the meantime, if you are serious about setting strong boundaries, clearing more time in your busy schedule for self-care and want to live a harmonious life then I invite you get my FREE Special Report, Building Strong Boundaries to Give You More Breathing Space in Your Hectic Life
Until next time…
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Gladys Anderson, founder of Coach for YOUR Dreams, is a certified life coach, licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and speaker. Gladys combines years of experience, training and a genuine commitment to helping nurses, teachers, therapists and other care giving women to set limits so they have more time, and energy to devote to self-care.
How To Lovingly Separate From Negative Influences
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I recently asked a client how he could lovingly separate from a situation filled with conframa [confusion and drama] that was sucking up every ounce of energy he had. He replied, …”I don’t know how I can lovingly separate … ”.
My client expressed exactly what a lot of people think about when they hear the word separate. It does not mean physically abandoning a friendship, marriage or other situations that zap your energy.
On occasion, we all encounter angry, obstinate, whining people who complain, gossip, criticize, zap our energy and leave us feeling drained.
Lovingly separating from negative people and influences is a way to release your emotional connection to the drama, confusion, pessimism, and other unacceptable behaviors. Distancing yourself from negative people is about demonstrating that you have clear emotional boundaries around what is acceptable to you and what’s not.
Al-Anon, a support group for families, friends and teens who are dealing with the effects of a loved ones drinking, teaches to set clear emotional boundaries and make rational decisions about what course of action needs to be taken. This is a great blueprint for setting strong boundaries and making choices.
If, like my client, you wonder how to lovingly separate from negative influences, then here are a few suggestions:
- Avoid arguing with a contrary, pessimistic people. They are looking for attention the only way they know how and it’s a way to get their emotional needs met. Arguing with them only feeds the fire of attention seeking behaviors. State clearly your position and move on.
- Curb the amount of time you spend with disruptive influences. Set strong time boundaries around who you spend time with and how much time you allow them to impact your life.
- Limit how much energy you allow to be zapped from your energy pool, leaving you drained with not enough strength to take care of YOU. Be prudent in how you manage your energy resources. Don’t try to change a negative person’s attitude or behavior.
- Realize that their behavior is brought about by a need to be accepted, loved and cared for. You can’t coax, manipulate or direct anyone else’s attitude or frame of mind. Try reframing their statements to take on a more positive spin or steer the conversation toward something more positive.
- Maintain strong boundaries around your time, space and energy. These are precious resources and they ought to be protected like any other prized possession.
Refuse to participate in someone else’s drama or negative attitude. Unless you’re an actor, drama has no place in your life.
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Gladys Anderson, founder of Coach for YOUR Dreams, is a certified life coach, licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and speaker. Gladys combines years of experience, training and a genuine commitment to helping nurses, teachers, therapists and other care giving women to set limits so they have more time, and energy to devote to self-care.
Pretty is as Pretty Does
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I often use to hear my grandmother say, “pretty is as pretty does” whenever someone complimented one of her grandchildren on their looks.
It was one of those sayings that I heard often, but never really giving much thought to what it meant until recently.
Recently, as I waited in a line [practicing patience], I overheard a well dressed, attractive young woman say to someone in a rather nasty tone, “what the *%&*^ are you looking at?” And, immediately I was transported back to my childhood hearing my grandmother’s voice, “pretty is as pretty does“.
No matter how well dressed, articulate or well connected you are if you are not pretty on the inside, you present your ugly side to the world – just like the woman I overheard sprouting ugliness. It’s not what’s on the outside that counts but more about what’s on the inside. That’s what my grandmother meant by pretty is as pretty does.
We all have days that can feel overwhelming, overscheduled and stressed. But, it helps if you have some things in your mental toolbox to keep you uplifted, focused and positive.
Here are some things you can keep in your toolbox so you can show up pretty inside and out.
A hammer – use your hammer to drive away negative thoughts, feelings and irritability. When you are stressed you are prone to irritability and insensitive comments. Learn ways to reduce stress so that you aren’t constantly in a foul mood.
Nails – Each nail in your toolbox represents one of your personal boundaries. Develop strong personal boundaries to stay in touch with your own emotions, preserve your energy and protect your precious time.
A Flashlight – Your smile is your bright light. Let it guide you wherever you go. Each day when you are getting dressed to go out into the world, commit to smiling at everyone you meet to immediately brighten your day. No matter what you’re going through, it doesn’t help to dwell in negativity. Put on your smiley face.
Gloves – Wear gloves to gently massage your bruised feelings and protect you from negativity. Memorize a positive affirmation to uplift you and keep you motivated. [Example] I radiate confidence, grace, and happiness wherever I go.
What tools do you use that help you stay “positive and pretty? It would be great if you would share them here in the comment section…
About the Author:
Gladys Anderson - Life Coach, Therapist, Author
Gladys M. Anderson is a certified group coach, personal life coach and a licensed marriage & family therapist. Gladys helps nurses, therapists, teachers and other caregivers establish boundaries, build balance and create breathing space in their busy lives.
